Carnett: You shop, I’ll listen to Beethoven

When given the choice, we humans select pleasure over pain almost every time.

OK, that’s not exactly groundbreaking news.

But it helps to make my point about the human condition. We’re, for the most part, selfish twits. And I place myself right at the top of the category. We’re into satisfying personal ambitions, needs and cravings first.

And it begins early in life.

Our 21-month-old grandson, Judah, stays with my wife, Hedy, and me on Saturday nights. One recent Sunday morning Hedy asked Judah what he’d like for breakfast.

He paused and said with an angelic expression on his face: “Ice cream and chocolate chips, please.” Personally, I was ready to assault the freezer with an ice cream scoop, but Hedy would have none of it.

Judah had to settle for grandma’s homemade banana pancakes — not a bad substitute, I’d say. But Judah knew the gambit was worth the effort because he frequently gets what he requests in our household.

Here’s a comparable sly maneuver by his grandfather, me: Hedy tried to get me out Christmas shopping this holiday season. I despise shopping.

Wouldn’t you know? I remembered it was time to conduct my first annual classical music survey — the one I’d been putting off for years. And it was going to require my unfettered attention.

Thanks to YouTube, I was able to move things forward.

I completed the survey — over several key shopping days — viewing more than a dozen renderings of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, “Ode to Joy,” performed around the world by various orchestras over the last six decades.

I must confess, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and my IQ shot up 3 points (nearly 10%).

The 9th, Beethoven’s “Choral” — his only symphony with voices — runs approximately an hour and 15 minutes.

I watched such elite conductors as Giulini, Toscanini, Solti, Bernstein, Thielemann, Karajan, Chailly, Sado and Barenboim take the baton and lead orchestras. Performances ranged from refined to raucous (Giulini, refined; Bernstein, raucous).

Toscanini concluded his version with a subtle but definitive right jab to the air. Bernstein launched his 180 pounds into the ether with hair askew, arms akimbo and perspiration flying from his matted brow. And Barenboim did a sweeping, slashing pirouette.

It’s all about style — and notes. Beethoven surely knows how to string notes together.

That reminds me of the stage play “Amadeus.” Remember Emperor Joseph II — an “enlightened despot” of the 18th century — in Peter Shaffer’s clever work? After Mozart performs a new piece before the emperor, the sovereign feels obliged to offer some slight criticism of the masterwork.

Joseph, of course, thinks himself a musical genius. Mozart sees him for what he is, a foppish boob.

“Your work is ingenious,” Joseph blathers. “It’s quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that’s all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.”

To which Mozart responds: “Which few did you have in mind, majesty?”

That’s like suggesting Melville create an abridged version of “Moby Dick” by excising every fifth word.

Though the 9th is indeed protracted, Beethoven hasn’t written too many notes by a long shot. I loved each performance in my survey because, you see, I stand in awe of the 9th’s profundity.

The concerts were performed in the U.S., Germany, Austria, France, Italy, England and Japan. The choruses ranged in size from 100 to a massive — and lumbering — 10,000-voice chorus in Osaka.

I did notice one strange phenomenon, however. Perhaps my eyes were deceiving me, but I’m pretty sure I spotted the same attractive blonde in the soprano section of every chorus — over the span of 60 years. And she never aged a day. Quite astonishing.

Of course, I may have been suffering from some sort of holiday tryptophan overdose.

So that’s how I secured my 2014 Christmas shopping reprieve.

Next year? I’m thinking Mahler’s 8th. According to the composer’s notes, it contains human voices like Beethoven’s 9th — but also revolving planets and stars.

Way cooler than shopping!

JIM CARNETT, who lives in Costa Mesa, worked for Orange Coast College for 37 years.