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The God Squad: Letting go of anger is our only healthy option

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Q: I was raised in the Episcopal Church, and even though a good Christian will forgive someone who’s hurt you, I’m having a very difficult time forgiving my ex-husband for all he did to hurt our two daughters. He’s never asked for my forgiveness. However, last year, at his stepson’s wedding, he finally told the girls he was sorry for everything — after 36 years! How can I forgive when I still hold so much anger? — L., Raleigh, NC

A: I often receive questions about forgiveness — and I ask them in my own spiritual life. Your understandable anger at your ex-husband can’t be disposed of by a few words from me, or even by his apology to your daughters.

When I teach children about forgiveness, I have them watch as I pound nails into a board. I tell them to think of each nail as a bad thing someone does to another person. They’re usually upset about the pounding. Then I pull out the nails and ask them to think of that as what happens when we say we’re sorry for each bad thing we’ve done.

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They’re usually smiling by then because they realize there’s something they can do to make things right. Then I show them the board with all the nail holes in it and ask how we could get rid of the holes. They have no idea and I admit I have no idea either. The holes will always be there, I point out. Even if we put filler in them, we’d still see the outlines of the holes.

In a quiet but serious voice, I explain to them that this is why we have to be so careful not to hurt anyone because it always leaves a hole behind.

Now, I know this all sounds grim and despairing, but it’s important to feel what happens when you hurt others. However — and this is a lesson children are generally not mature enough to absorb — at some point we must let go of our anger at being hurt. Holding on to it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Forgiveness is obviously something we do for the person who’s hurt us, but it’s also something we do to save ourselves from further spiritual corrosion.

So there it is, one of the most enduring contradictions of the human condition: We cannot forgive because we’re broken, yet we must forgive to avoid being broken more. Furthermore, we can’t simply forgive; we must also agree to heal and move on with life.

The moment this contradiction becomes unbearable — you are there now — is precisely the point where religion enters our lives with a message of divine grace. Our faiths teach us in different ways, but to the same effect, that if God can forgive us, then we can forgive each other.

People don’t have to be religious to resolve this contradiction, but we must find our way through, not around, our brokenness into a more forgiving place. As Hemingway wrote in “A Farewell to Arms”: “Everyone is broken but some become stronger at the broken places.”

Now is your time to decide if you’ll become stronger at your broken places. I completely understand if you want to cling to your anger because your ex-husband has not apologized to you, but over time your choice will have less to do with him and more to do with you and the spiritual consequences of holding onto your anger.

I can tell you that my decisions to forgive others who’ve hurt me were not the fruit of any great virtue or compassion, but based on the fact that I can’t swim through the often rough waters of life while hanging onto a heavy stone.

(Send questions only to The God Squad via godsquadquestion@aol.com.)

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