Commentary: The top 10 ways to a gratifying life
What is the most important thing in life? Obviously there could be many answers to that question. But to me, the best thing in life is gratification. Many other things, such as love, power, wealth, prestige and appreciation, can lead to that feeling of gratification, but they are not real ends in themselves.
So here are my Top 10 approaches to receiving gratification, which would allow us to live our lives to the fullest:
1.) Live a life of integrity. People with integrity live the same way whether other people are watching or not. This is a hard standard to live up to, but whether others see that you act with integrity or not, you will know, and that should be your guide.
2.) The best thing that can happen to people. For me the best thing that can happen to people is to see their children grow up to be happy, successful and well-adjusted. So time and efforts spent in helping your children to that result are deeply gratifying.
3.) Savor your family and friends. Candidly, for many years, I felt a certain ridicule toward the more laid-back cultures, feeling that many of them were lazy. But now I believe that many of those people actually live life the right way because many of them savor their nice long meals and other experiences with their families and friends. The work eventually gets done, but they enjoy their lives more fully along the way.
4.) Mentor children. While I was a judge in juvenile court I quickly learned that mentoring children was one of the most gratifying things that a person could do – and also one of the most important. It is a basic fact that someone will mentor our children. And if it is not done by people like parents, teachers, basketball coaches or scout leaders, it will be done by juvenile gangs, drug dealers, etc.
5.) A rut is a grave without end. What is it that really interests you? Focus on the answer to that question, and then find a way of supporting yourself that is in your area of interest. Obviously, there are not many Michael Jordans or Kobe Bryants in this world. But if, for example, your interest is in sports, you can work in fields related to sports like broadcasting, newspaper reporting, advertising or sports medicine. Money is a false god, and the “my yacht is bigger than your yacht” syndrome is a recipe for unhappiness. You will probably spend more time working than you will spend with your friends or family, so persist in your efforts to work in an area that you enjoy.
6.) Engage in random acts of kindness. Giving unexpected gifts or doing good deeds bring a great deal of pleasure to others, and gratification to the giver and doer.
7.) Show appreciation when other people do nice things for you. It took me a long time to learn this, but when someone pays you a compliment or does something nice for you, simply respond by saying thank you. We have a disturbing trend in our society today to say “no problem” when someone thanks us for doing something. Of course, that implies that if the good deed would have been a problem, the person would not have done it. I know that the words for “you’re welcome” in Spanish are “de nada,” which literally means “it was nothing.” But let’s start a countermovement and express meaningful appreciation when someone does us a good deed.
8.) Record the recollections of your elders. To my gratification, I tape recorded both of my parents as they told me about the experiences of their lives, sang some childhood songs and recited some of their favorite jokes and poems. Once they are gone, your ancestors will take their recollections with them, unless you take the initiative to record them. And record your own as well.
9.) Broaden yourself by traveling and reading. Like nothing else you can do, this will expose you to other places and lifestyles. In addition, ask people who have traveled a fair amount the question, “Where is the most fascinating place you have ever been?” Then note the answers, and even make attempts to go those places. And in reading, we can live anyone’s life in history, nonfiction or fiction. For example, it took me reading about 20 pages into “Watership Down” to realize that the subjects of the story were rabbits. What a broadening experience it is to see the world from other perspectives.
10.) Make the system work. No matter what our station in life, all of us have an opportunity to make the system work. For example, it is not the job of criminal defense attorneys to prove their clients are innocent, or even not guilty. It is their job to make the system work by requiring the prosecutors to present competent evidence to prove the defendants’ guilt beyond a reasonable doubt to 12 jurors. If the defense attorneys do this, they are making the system work. All of us in various ways are in the same position. And taking this responsibility seriously will bring you a great deal of gratification in knowing that you are doing your part as a citizen to make the greatest country in the world even a little bit better.
Former Daily Pilot columnist JAMES P. GRAY is a retired judge of the Superior Court in Orange County.