Commentary: Imagining ‘Downton Abbey’ cast with Donald Trump

An older lady I know and care very much about has suffered some health setbacks of late.

We got to talking one night recently when she admitted that only a couple of things really inspired her to want to avoid departing this mortal coil.

“The Donald Trump circus is one,” she said. “I really want to see now how that turns out. And I need to find out how ‘Downton Abbey’ ends too.”

Hearing this from her got me thinking: What if she could have her cake and eat it too? What if Trump were cast on “Downton” (in possibly one of the worst decisions in television history)? What would that look like?

This is for her.

I’m imagining that Trump’s alter ego (accent on the “ego” part) would be associated with Harold Levinson, the crooked American businessman character briefly played by Paul Giamatti. Trump is a fabulously wealthy ex-business partner named Morgan Chase, also American, who has come looking for Harold at the Downton Abbey estate.

Along the way, he meets Harold’s sister, Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern), staff head Mrs. Hughes (Phyllis Logan) and others.

They meet outside in the garden.

Lady Grantham: “Hello Mr. Chase. What brings you to Downton?”

Morgan Chase: “Don’t ‘Mr. Chase’ me, Cora. We both know why I’m here.”

Grantham: “I’m afraid there’s not much for you here, Morgan. Or have you become suddenly more aristocratic?”

Chase: “Shut up! I’m looking for that crook brother of yours. The SOB robbed me blind! You don’t do that to Morgan Chase!”

Grantham: “Oh? Was there a business proposition of some sort … gone sour?”

Chase: “You might say that, tootsie.”

Grantham: “Tootsie? No, the name is Lady …”

Chase: “I’ll decide what your name is, understand?”

Grantham (taken aback): “Well, I, I’m certain that whatever problem it was you had with Harold can surely be …”

Chase (interrupting): “Button it, Bright Eyes! I could buy you and your little country cottage tomorrow for pocket change. I got more money than you got crumpets! I got more money than everyone in your puny little country put together!”

Mrs. Hughes hears the fuss and approaches.

Mrs. Hughes: “What seems to be the problem here, Lady?”

Grantham: “No problem, Mrs. Hughes. Mr. Chase was just leaving.”

Chase: “Leaving? No, actually I was just arriving. Or whatever the opposite of leaving is.”

Hughes: “Well then, if you aren’t leaving, what can I do for you, Mr. Chase?”

Chase: “Probably nothing. Who are you? And what’s up with the rich-chick accent? Ain’t you just the help?

Hughes: “Mr. Chase, I am Mrs. Elsie Hughes. I am in charge of the staff here at Downton Abbey. If you have a question or an issue, it is I with whom you should speak.”

Chase: “Actually, it is I who is saying you’re full of it. I got chicks like you all over the place at my properties back in Jersey. Think you’re all that just ‘cause you talk like you got culture or somethin’. Well you’re not. And neither is Little Miss That-Time-of-the-Month here, either.”

Both women gasp at Chase’s obnoxiousness and utter rudeness.

Hughes: “Mr. Chase, we will not be spoken to in this fashion! I’m afraid you must leave this instant!”

Chase (laughing): “You gotta be joking, Honey Buns. I just got here!”

With that, Chase bolts toward the front door. Once inside, he heads to the kitchen and eyes a biscuit jar. He grabs it, opens it and begins munching on a biscuit when he is approached by kitchen help Daisy (Sophie McShera).

Daisy (alarmed): “Excuse me, sir. Who are you, if I may ask?”

Chase (smiling, munching): “Hey there, gorgeous. I’m Morgan Chase.”

Daisy extends her hand.

Daisy: “Nice meeting you, Mr. Chase. If you are famished, I can fix you a proper meal, but …”

Chase ignores what Daisy is saying, grabs her and plants an emphatic kiss squarely on her cheek, a shocking breach of decorum and protocol. Daisy begins to turn red with embarrassment.

Chase: “Nice to meet you, Daisy. You’re a very pretty young lady. I have a daughter the same age as you. But I’d still like to have dinner with you sometime.”

Daisy runs off, mortified and hyperventilating.

Just then, Lady Grantham and Mrs. Hughes catch up to Chase.

Grantham: “Morgan, you must leave right now or I shall have no choice but to contact the authorities.”

Chase (tossing the rest of his biscuit to the kitchen floor, addressing Mrs. Hughes): “You know what you need here, Hughes-y? Mexicans. Way, way, way cheaper than these English broads. You gotta put up with their drugging and raping but, you know, it’s a trade-off.”

With that, Chase scurries from the kitchen, finds the front door and exits Downton. But he will be back.

Journalist RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984.