Carnett: Stuck here again during fair time

I must be insane.

Isn’t that the accepted diagnosis for someone who does the same thing over and over again, yet expects a different outcome?

That describes me to a T.

I promise myself annually that I’m going to take my summer vacation from mid-July to mid-August for the express purpose of avoiding that grease trap that lives in my backyard, the Orange County Fair.

But I never do.

I’ve been retired six years now but have yet to beat it out of town to escape the dog days of July and August. I’m always here and have no one to blame but myself.

It has something to do with the fact that July-August is peak travel season in the Northern Hemisphere, and everything is pricy, pricy, pricy. Why would a retiree knowingly hit the road at the height of tourist season?

I’ve discovered leisurely travel in June, September and October. Such timing takes maximum advantage of bargain rates, plus you’re blessed with pleasant weather and zero lines.

That doesn’t help me deal with this fair fiasco, however.

So, to borrow a 1980s phrase from Stealers Wheel: “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you (OC Fair!).”

“Ladies and gentlemen. The Orange County Fair is once again proud to be coming to you live … from Jim Carnett’s patio.”

This year’s 125th edition runs from Friday through Aug. 10, a total of 31 calendar days — almost as long as Grant’s Siege of Vicksburg. Siege is the operative word. The wife and I have stocked up on MREs (Meals Ready to Eat). We’re staying off the streets and keeping to our bunker for the duration.

Theme for this year’s hot mess is “Summer Starts Here.”

Really?

Let’s have a little truth in advertising, shall we? According to my almanac, summer officially began some 20 days ago in the island nation of Kiribati in the mid-Pacific. So let’s not advance some cockamamie theory that summer is just now commencing at Fair Drive and Fairview Road.

The fair’s a behemoth plopped annually in the midst of my little burg. Some 80,000 people are expected to be at the fairgrounds on opening day this year. And to think that once, long ago, it was just a weeklong outlier.

More than 286,000 cars will park at the fair during its 2014 run, 12,500 per day. A sizable portion will drive past my mailbox.

All told, about a million people will shoehorn themselves into my serene corner of creation for this lollapalooza. That’s not an inconvenience. It’s a blitzkrieg. I see the fair as a noisy, unruly, pollution-spewing attraction that annually disrupts my quiet time. And as a cranky senior, I fervently endorse all aspects of quiet.

In my locality, this summer extravaganza lurks menacingly along our public byways, creeps into our backyards and, on balmy evenings, steals through open windows into our dining rooms, family rooms and bedrooms.

It’s my observation that the world actually does love the OC Fair, and I’m out of step in my own household. My family has a passion for it. My two daughters and four grandchildren who live nearby were raised on the fair and will attend this year. They’re excited.

Not me.

I’ve attended the fair at least 50 times but only once in the past dozen years (the wife loves country singer Scotty McCreery, so I relented to watch his concert two years ago). I’ve lived two blocks from the fair for the past 39 years and within a mile of the fairgrounds since 1952. Proximity has not made this stone cold heart grow any fonder.

Once again, my spouse and I will be here for the entire run of the Orange County Fair. We’ll be hunkered down with provisions, earplugs and lots of reading material. It’s our annual post-solstice vigil.

See you when momma and papa grizzly emerge from hibernation Aug. 11.

In the meantime, think of us as you wolf down your waffle dog on a stick.

JIM CARNETT, who lives in Costa Mesa, worked for Orange Coast College for 37 years.