Commentary: Widowhood is another life journey
“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”
— George Eliot
I just started taking guitar lessons. It’s been 50 years since I first played the guitar, and I wasn’t very good then. But, in the year since Lee died, I found I have time to do some things that I stopped doing, or never started doing, after we got married.
With our combined seven kids, I was busy.
Fast forward. Counting in-laws, grandkids and great-grandkids, our family now totals over 30. And everyone gathers round when the patriarch dies. It’s everyone’s loss.
The drama of people around me went on, but I was distracted by what seemed like countless tasks, all to be handled by me at once — the business of being a widow.
All I knew for sure was which mortuary would take care of Lee, but the number of decisions to be made and forms to fill out stunned me. I didn’t know all that info off the top of my head!
At home, I was overcome by the kind gifts of flowers, food, prayer cards and contributions in Lee’s name. I needed a system to keep track of them. I needed new files for the notes I took when talking with our trust attorney and our accountant. But first I needed to decide what should go into Lee’s obituary, plan his memorial service and the program for the guests and ...
Who all needed to be notified? What was involved in carrying out the directives of our trust? Was there enough cash for the current expenses, plus property and income taxes?
I was supposed to contact the Social Security Administration. How soon did I have to do that? I would need to make out pages of information to keep with me for other forms ahead.
Where would I get help? I tried to find a guidebook, to no avail, so I started to make to-do lists, which eventually grew to be 15 pages on my computer. I loosely organized the lot into “To Do — Out” and “To Do — In.”
Six months later, I came to believe that what I’d learned would be helpful for other women contemplating the business of being a widow.
Before I finished organizing the now-copious material into sections, according to priorities I had figured out, friends began requesting the information for their friends and their sisters-in-law. One fellow suggested I write an article about my experiences, and that’s why this peculiar piece is in your newspaper.
Maybe you are a widow and way past this, but family members and friends of widows and non-widows also become widows — or widowers — and can use some help. Everyone should know that help is at hand, whether it’s the professionals you consult, https://www.ancestry.com or a widow you know.
Help is at hand. You can do this!
And when the dust settles, in a year or so, you will find that you have life ahead of you and a future to plan for! You can rediscover what it was you “might have been” — even if it’s someone who plays the guitar and sings along, just for herself.
LIZ SWIERTZ NEWMAN lives in Corona del Mar.
****